Another Layer of the Onion

I have become comfortable with the truth that personal development is a lifelong process. This is why I’ve made a commitment to myself to attend workshops and events when I can, which expands who I am, stretches me and helps me peel off yet another layer of the proverbial onion.

I mean, every time I have mistakenly thought “I’ve got this, I am soooo spiritually superior right now”, life/God/The Universe has a plethora of ways to put me back in my place.

So, not only do I commit to attending regular events but, each time I do, I truly surrender to the process. And I approach it from a beginner’s mind rather than bulldozing through with the “holier than though, transformational leader who’s got her sh*@t together” persona so I can find out more about myself.

I want to leave the event a better person, leader, teacher and friend. And, of course, having an epiphany or break through of sorts is always a bonus.

The latest epiphany I experienced was with my friend Sandi Stuart Bain at her It’s Women’s Work workshop.

First, let’s backtrack a little…last year’s inner journey hit a major high at The Hoffman Process…a six and a half-day, full immersion process that truly leaves no internal stone unturned. It’s very “thorough”, as my friend Inga calls it. It was life changing for me and I’m not even remotely the same person I was when I went in.

I came out as Nat 2.0.

I, and everyone I know, much prefer Nat 2.0. And I feel people really started to see the real me for the first time in a long time. Actually, I got to see me for the first time in a really, really long time.

During that process we were lead to discover what our deepest fear is. And I realized my deepest fear is that people will think I’m a fraud.

It scares the bejesus out of me that once people get past the “tough, competent girl” exterior and who they think I am, they will realize I am a regular person with no special abilities whatsoever.

A fraud.

According to the people at Hoffman and anyone who has investigated where our fears, programs, patterns and behaviors come from, all agree they come from our childhood experience.

What we witnessed, what we were told, how we interpreted what we experienced and how we tried to emulate our parents so they would love us more.

We were sponges with legs, taking everything in without a filter and storing it in our ripe, fertile subconscious minds to help or hinder us later in life. Either way, we did it for survival and to keep ourselves safe.

If you’re a little dubious that any of that above could be true, there is no shortage of scientific explanations - from Epigenetics, Quantum to Neuroscience - which undoubtedly demonstrate what happens to our tiny, still developing brains in order for us to take on any number of “truths” about ourselves…that are NOT true.

One very interesting scientific tidbit is how each emotion we experience has a specific chemical that matches it. The more we feel this emotion, the more our cells become addicted to that chemical.

This is why when we embark into P.D. (personal development) for the first time, our whole body is fighting us and feeling “uncomfortable” with the new “happy” chemicals.

Fast forward to Sandi’s workshop and, as with all events that do deep work, we start skipping back to childhood to make doubly sure that all those bloody “stones” have well and truly been flipped.

To be honest, I was pretty confident playing back down memory lane. I mean, everything is a walk in the park after The Hoffman Process and I’d be stunned if there were any surprises there.

Sandi started by reminding me how each emotion has a specific chemical makeup; so, in utero we are being fed the chemicals of the emotions our mother was feeling at the time.

Then, she asked the million-dollar question: “How would you describe your mother at the time she was pregnant with you?”

Oh my goodness…stunned.

Not many people know this, but my biological mother left my Dad when I was around 3 years old. Now, I don’t actually know all the details of the situation and I’m reluctant to talk about this with Dad because, as you can imagine, it’s a painful subject for him. But what I do know is that she was the furthest point from honest a human being can be…she was a fraud.

Whoop, there it is!

Another layer was peeled off the proverbial onion as well as an explanation as to why I have this unexplainable fear of being a fraud surfaced.

Now, each time that fear rears its ugly head, I can acknowledge that it is NOT my fear, it’s not real. It was inadvertently given to me by my birth mother. And by doing so, I dissolve that fear which immobilizes me from stepping into the best version of myself.

So, thank you Sandi for your women’s work and for helping me to release that fear from my “bag of resistance and excuses”. I can now confidently move into a more empowered future and inspire many other women to do the same (that hopefully includes you reading this blog post right now!)

Now, if only I released 5 lbs. every time this happened!!

P.S.: To contact Sandi Stuart Bain about her work email her at: [email protected]